The Lantern Heart

In 2023, I turned forty five… FORTY FIVE! And for some reason, my mind and my heart were not at peace. I have always been OK with turning a year older; but turning 45 hit me differently. Maybe because I was feeling under the weather that day. I thought a nap and some OTC meds would remedy the pain but I was still feeling terrible.

I knew that something was weighing heavily on my heart and mind but it was difficult to articulate the mix of emotions I was experiencing. I felt a sense of urgency, as if time was slipping away too quickly. I worried that I wasn’t leading a purposeful life and that I was consumed by the fear of what would happen if my time was cut short. The pressure of fulfilling life’s obligations left me restless, and the memories of lost friendships kept me awake at night. I found myself questioning whether I had driven my friends away with unkindness, or if all of this was simply a natural part of growing older. These thoughts continued to haunt me, and I struggled to comprehend the unsettling emotions that had engulfed me that day.

This stretched over the holidays and into the new year. The emotions were so intense that they triggered anxiety attacks. I started blaming myself for losing friendships and felt like I didn’t do much to save it. I felt like the world was against me. I thought maybe if brushing things aside, the feelings would go away. Despite the desire to push them away, they continued to linger and take over. I hated it!

The only thing I knew would make me feel better was to pray. I prayed and asked God, “What can I do to stop feeling this way?” I wanted God to talk to me. I needed an answer.

I came across a post on social media featuring the Bible verse Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” It struck me as if it were meant specifically for me. I felt that it was a sign from God trying to communicate with me. I prayed earnestly and sought to understand how it related to my situation.

Then came the new year. My aim for 2024 was to prioritize reading Scripture. I had faith that through devotionals and meditation, I would find answers to why I was experiencing certain emotions. I longed for insight into how I could overcome these negative feelings. To seek comfort, I began making it a part of my daily routine.

It’s truly remarkable how God reaches out to us when we simply listen. Some days, I find myself without any specific prayers and just sit quietly. When we open our hearts to Him, we receive the guidance we need.

I began to realize that God gave me these challenges for a reason. Through my meditation journey, He was trying to teach me a few lessons and this is what I realized so far:

1. Embrace a belief in a Higher Being. For many, including myself, this Higher Being is God and Jesus. At the end of the day, no one on this earth can touch or speak to your heart and soul the way that my Lord and Savior can. We all need Jesus in our lives.
2. Cultivate self-awareness. Instead of focusing solely outward, it is crucial to look within. It’s easy to believe that we are solely victims when faced with adversity. However, it’s important to recognize our own shortcomings as well.
3. Practice acceptance. Recognizing our own faults is a key step in moving forward. When we admit our mistakes, it helps to alleviate negative emotions. The same goes for acknowledging heavy emotions. It’s essential to acknowledge them as well.
4. Trust in God’s plans. Even though we may not understand them immediately, through consistent prayer and Scripture reading, He reveals them to us. He knows what’s best for us.
5. Understand that God removes people from your life to allow you to connect with those who can nurture and bless you, rather than drain you. I believe He removed certain people from my life because He saw and heard things that we did not.
6. Gratitude. It’s easy to get caught up in thoughts of the future or dwell on the past, but it’s important to cherish the present. Every day brings its own blessings, whether in the form of family, new friendships, circumstances, or our essential needs being met. Let’s learn to appreciate these gifts.

After experiencing this emotional rollercoaster over the past year, I have made the decision to be more intentional in my actions and live life with purpose. My goal is to genuinely connect with different people and live my life in alignment with God’s will. I acknowledge that I am not perfect, but I strive to become a better person and perhaps bring light into someone’s darkest moments.